6 1/2 months down, 4ish to go. We’re more than halfway through this deployment. It’s taking forever and going by quickly all at the same time.
It’s hard to explain what all this experience has been. The best I can do is to say it’s a milder version of the stages of grief. At first, it’s overwhelming, but with time, you learn to live with the new normal. It’s a constant dance between acceptance and frustration, balancing the chronic aching sadness with the pursuit of joy and adventure. I’ve been blessed with an independent spirit and I’m embracing the opportunities these months have presented me with, but at the end of the day, all I want to do is hug Benjamin. Heck, even just hearing his voice everyday would be a victory. Alas. That isn’t how this goes.
On the tough days, I remind myself that this is just a season, a finite time period that will come to an end. Yes, it’s been hard. Yes, I miss my husband. Yes, the quiet can be too much sometimes. But you know what? It’s worth it.
It’s worth it because I hear a renewed sense of purpose and contentment in my husband’s voice. It’s worth it because I have a restored sense of hope for our future and a greater sense of gratitude for the things that truly matter in life. Granted, I’d love it if these things didn’t require Ben getting deployed halfway around the world, but if that’s what it takes, it’s worth it.
When we’re faced with adversity, in the many shapes and forms that it comes, we are always in control of one thing: how we react to it. We can choose to wallow in our grief and frustration, dwelling on the difficult aspects and resenting the universe for spiting us. Or we can choose gratitude and joy and acceptance and muster up the courage to face the day, even if it takes everything in us to do so.
My joy will be complete when Ben is back home. Until that day, the hollowness in my heart will remain. But it’s all worth it. The best is yet to come.
Only 4ish months to go! I just have to get through hotter-than-Hades season in Oklahoma. The struggle is real, y’all.